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‘Penyakit Tak Kira Bulu’ – Doktor Terpaksa Berhenti Kerja Alami Penyakit Major Depressive Disorder..



THIS IS WHAT DEPRESSION LOOKS LIKE

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) by a psychiatrist 5 years ago back when I was still in medical school.

Since the first diagnosis, it has been a recurrent cycle of relapses and remissions. It was an ongoing internal struggle to finish and attain my degree.


Whenever I relapsed, it was really hard to get myself to get out of the house to go to classes. I felt so guilty to my study group as sometimes I had to skip some sessions because depression and anxiety became too overwhelming for me.

Studying became really difficult because MDD tends to impair concentration. So at times, I would stare at my books or notes for 3 hours and understood absolutely nothing. But Alhamdulillah, Allah still allowed me to finish my degree.

Only recently when I started working that I sought treatment and have been taking medications ever since. I was desperate to get better because I really wanted to continue working.

I struggled to understand anything at work because my concentration was so impaired. The suicidal thoughts became uninvited and unbearable. My anxiety became even worse when I tried so hard to keep up with the expectations while going through a relapse, that I started developing panic attacks at work.


The panic attacks came with chest pain, palpitations and shortness of breath. Something that became recurrent and it got worse over time as I experienced panic attacks while working and at public places too like a restaurant or petrol station.

As time went by, with lots of MCs and meds, I got better and improved so much at work. But it didn't last long. I relapsed again unprovoked and unexpectedly.

This time, I had ran out of MCs and left with no choice but to resign before being terminated.

For now, I am no longer a houseman. With my husband's support and my family's blessings, I am going to use this time to focus on my ongoing therapy and get well first.

The pain is invisible, the sleepless nights are tiring, the lack of concentration is frustrating, the lost of interest in things that I love are puzzling and the suicidal thoughts do not mean that I want to stop living.


Depression does not mean that I'm crying all the time. It does not mean that I am unhappy. I am actually a very happy person and really grateful with all the blessings in my life Alhamdulillah :)

I reject the notion that depression is a sign of a weak iman. Every illness was created by Allah as a test for His slave and MDD is one of them. Only Allah knows how much I longed to be close to Him and only Allah knows what is in His slave's little heart..

The reason I'm writing this post is to show to people that depression does not have a face. MDD is an illness. It affects millions of men, women and children regardless of race and religion. If it could affect me, it could affect anybody.

To quote a psychiatrist that I met years ago,

"Penyakit tak kira bulu."

So here I am, a happy Muslim girl, happy wife, happy daughter, happy writer, happy former houseman. And I have MDD and anxiety. I am not ashamed of it and that's okay.

This smiley hijabi girl in the picture right here,
this is what depression looks like :)

#DepressionDoesNotHaveAFace


Menurut wanita ini, dia disahkan menghidap penyakit Major Depressive Disorder lima tahun lalu ketika menuntut di universiti. Selepas disahkan penyakit tersebut, keadaannya kadangkala baik kadangkala tidak. Dia berusaha ‘melawan’ demi menamatkan pengajian sehingga memperoleh ijazah. Dia juga sukar keluar rumah untuk ke kelas, dia rasa sangat bersalah kerana terpaksa skipkelas kerana mengalami kemurungan yang teruk.

Pengajian menjadi semakin susah, dia sukar untuk fokus dan hanya memandang buku selama 3 jam tanpa faham apa-apa. Baru-baru ini ketika bekerja, dia mula mendapatkan rawatan dan mengambil ubat. Dia nak sangat ‘baik’ untuk fokus kepada kerja. Namun, keadaan menjadi semakin teruk apabila dia tidak fokus dan fikiran mahu bunuh diri sering datang.

Keadaan menjadi semakin teruk apabila dia diserang panic attacks sewaktu bekerja dan ditempat awam. Dia sering berdebar-debar, sakit dada dan sesak nafas. Dia terpaksa ambil cuti dan dapatkan rawatan, keadaan menjadi bertambah baik namun ianya tidak kekal lama kerana dia akan diserang kemurungan lagi.

Sekarang, dia bukan lagi seorang doktor. Dengan sokongan suami dan keluarga, dia kini menjalani rawatan sepenuhnya. Depresi tidak bermaksud dia menangis sepanjang masa. Tidak bermaksud dia tidak gembira malah sangat bersyukur dengan hidup.

Dia juga menolak tanggapan bahawa depresi bermaksud iman yang lemah. Setiap penyakit itu tandanya ujian daripada Allah dan MDD merupakan salah satunya.

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